This past week has left me tired. The coming week has me feeling uneasy. I have worked myself into exhaustion so that I can move through tomorrow with no time left for feeling and emotions I still, at times, feel ill equipped to handle.
My Dad. It has been a year of firsts without him physically here. My friend Mike asked me if I didn't actually have closure because I had time before he passed and also time with him after he passed. His Dad had donated his body to science, so he felt that was why he did not feel closure.
Closure is not possible. My Dad, our Dads are part of our life all of the time. It has been a year of reflection on our relationship, which was really quite special and unique. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life for 47 years and though, like all of us, he was imperfect, he was My Dad.
This past year I have realized we were alike in many ways. He loved me for who I was. He worried for me as one of his most prized possessions. He knew me better than I realized and he hoped for me to be happy and safe.
But here is the deal, in so many little ways and in so many little moments I miss him all of the time. Watching football, making stuffed peppers, my birthday card, talking about my students, talking politics, lasagna on Christmas, watermelon, eating fish just us, and the list goes on and on.
I have met some amazing people this year and I think he will never meet them or hear me talk about them. And in the same moment, it is as if he sent them my way.
A year ago today, I left him in the morning knowing he was so close to the end. I had not slept all night and in the morning he was so small in the bed. But I knew he wanted me to be with my students. The next morning, Feb. 11, 2012 he left this earth and I still miss my Daddy.
