The idea of making space is something I struggle with when it feels as if I am doing it just for me. It is also my goal to make space for some things I want in my life. I have been contemplating this and the difficulty I feel in creating space for people in my life. And not just people, but love.
I live a very full life and yet I have wants beyond what I need to sustain me. I do feel as if I am trying to open my world and my life to someone else. I have no idea if I will be even remotely successful buy I am working on knowing I deserve it. I can no longer lie to myself and act as if there is no room, no space in my life for partnership, commitment and ultimately, true love.
I will keep this course of making space in my life and my heart. I will risk the pain and disappoinent that might happen for the truth that love is possible, even for me.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Feeling uneasy
This past week has left me tired. The coming week has me feeling uneasy. I have worked myself into exhaustion so that I can move through tomorrow with no time left for feeling and emotions I still, at times, feel ill equipped to handle.
My Dad. It has been a year of firsts without him physically here. My friend Mike asked me if I didn't actually have closure because I had time before he passed and also time with him after he passed. His Dad had donated his body to science, so he felt that was why he did not feel closure.
Closure is not possible. My Dad, our Dads are part of our life all of the time. It has been a year of reflection on our relationship, which was really quite special and unique. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life for 47 years and though, like all of us, he was imperfect, he was My Dad.
This past year I have realized we were alike in many ways. He loved me for who I was. He worried for me as one of his most prized possessions. He knew me better than I realized and he hoped for me to be happy and safe.
But here is the deal, in so many little ways and in so many little moments I miss him all of the time. Watching football, making stuffed peppers, my birthday card, talking about my students, talking politics, lasagna on Christmas, watermelon, eating fish just us, and the list goes on and on.
I have met some amazing people this year and I think he will never meet them or hear me talk about them. And in the same moment, it is as if he sent them my way.
A year ago today, I left him in the morning knowing he was so close to the end. I had not slept all night and in the morning he was so small in the bed. But I knew he wanted me to be with my students. The next morning, Feb. 11, 2012 he left this earth and I still miss my Daddy.
My Dad. It has been a year of firsts without him physically here. My friend Mike asked me if I didn't actually have closure because I had time before he passed and also time with him after he passed. His Dad had donated his body to science, so he felt that was why he did not feel closure.
Closure is not possible. My Dad, our Dads are part of our life all of the time. It has been a year of reflection on our relationship, which was really quite special and unique. I know I was so blessed to have him in my life for 47 years and though, like all of us, he was imperfect, he was My Dad.
This past year I have realized we were alike in many ways. He loved me for who I was. He worried for me as one of his most prized possessions. He knew me better than I realized and he hoped for me to be happy and safe.
But here is the deal, in so many little ways and in so many little moments I miss him all of the time. Watching football, making stuffed peppers, my birthday card, talking about my students, talking politics, lasagna on Christmas, watermelon, eating fish just us, and the list goes on and on.
I have met some amazing people this year and I think he will never meet them or hear me talk about them. And in the same moment, it is as if he sent them my way.
A year ago today, I left him in the morning knowing he was so close to the end. I had not slept all night and in the morning he was so small in the bed. But I knew he wanted me to be with my students. The next morning, Feb. 11, 2012 he left this earth and I still miss my Daddy.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Fear/Risk/Truth
This is not from the book, but I need to write. I know it helps me in the classroom to know what my students go through when being forced to write on demand.
Fear - I can appear fearless, but in truth I have one great fear - failure. If I know I even have a chance of success I have no problem trying over and over again, but in areas where I am less comfortable and unsure and where I have little or no success it is extremely difficult to overcome the fear.
Risk - Not crazy risks, but actually taking a chance on something wonderful is the goal. And so far this year I am moving towards facing the challenges and letting the pieces fall where they may. Really understanding that as long as goodness and kindness and positivity are the ultimate goals, the risk is worth it.
Truth - it seems this year is all about love and relationships. Or more specifically romantic relationships. I have not felt worthy of having that type of relationship and so I put up all types of roadblocks, brick walls and in fact it was locked down like fort knox. So, far so good, moving slowly and getting used to the water. Truth, I need the time and the space and yet I am carefully moving towards the deep end where I can no longer touch the bottom, but I trust myself to stay afloat and move yet deeper into the water.
What I know is I am feeling much more comfortable in my skin and I believe I am worth it (most of the time) and I can face my fear, take a risk and live my truth.
Fear - I can appear fearless, but in truth I have one great fear - failure. If I know I even have a chance of success I have no problem trying over and over again, but in areas where I am less comfortable and unsure and where I have little or no success it is extremely difficult to overcome the fear.
Risk - Not crazy risks, but actually taking a chance on something wonderful is the goal. And so far this year I am moving towards facing the challenges and letting the pieces fall where they may. Really understanding that as long as goodness and kindness and positivity are the ultimate goals, the risk is worth it.
Truth - it seems this year is all about love and relationships. Or more specifically romantic relationships. I have not felt worthy of having that type of relationship and so I put up all types of roadblocks, brick walls and in fact it was locked down like fort knox. So, far so good, moving slowly and getting used to the water. Truth, I need the time and the space and yet I am carefully moving towards the deep end where I can no longer touch the bottom, but I trust myself to stay afloat and move yet deeper into the water.
What I know is I am feeling much more comfortable in my skin and I believe I am worth it (most of the time) and I can face my fear, take a risk and live my truth.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Something you had that was stolen
Once upon a time I had a sense of humor. But, it was stolen by the mean monster.
Monday, January 7, 2013
The worst Thanksgiving dish I ever had
Oh, wow, well this requires background information. The nearly 8 years I was with my ex-husband (3 dating, 5 married) we rotated Thanksgiving. The years we went with his family I learned to eat only the Japanese side dishes. The turkey thing just didn't work. The mashed potatoes were lumpy and watery and had no taste, but seemingly unsalted butter was pooled every where. The turkey was dry in a way I did not know was possible. The whole thing was weird. People sat on chairs with t.v. trays in front of them and they were scattered all around the room. The food, except for the tempura and the magical layered jello was just not worth the calories. And now for the worst dish ever!
On the first Thanksgiving I spent there I felt the need to be polite and eat a bit of everything. And everyone was saying, "oh, I made this" and "I made that." I wanted to be nice, so I even took a bit of the one dish I never understand - THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE! This was such a huge mistake. It was a mess, the stuff did not blend like I believe it should. And the green beans were sort of grayish in the midst of the other soupy sauce and the crunchy things were soggy. And it tasted like overly salted mushy cardboard.
If you know me, you probably know - I don't do mushy bread items, I am super sensitive to salt and cardboard is not a food group. I am still proud to this day that I kept the two bites I ate in my stomach and did not barf in front of 20 people I barely knew.
But, in the future years, won tons, jello and tempura were my choice and I just told them I never got to have those items homemade. Oh, man, I love that jello!
On the first Thanksgiving I spent there I felt the need to be polite and eat a bit of everything. And everyone was saying, "oh, I made this" and "I made that." I wanted to be nice, so I even took a bit of the one dish I never understand - THE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE! This was such a huge mistake. It was a mess, the stuff did not blend like I believe it should. And the green beans were sort of grayish in the midst of the other soupy sauce and the crunchy things were soggy. And it tasted like overly salted mushy cardboard.
If you know me, you probably know - I don't do mushy bread items, I am super sensitive to salt and cardboard is not a food group. I am still proud to this day that I kept the two bites I ate in my stomach and did not barf in front of 20 people I barely knew.
But, in the future years, won tons, jello and tempura were my choice and I just told them I never got to have those items homemade. Oh, man, I love that jello!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
What can happen in a second
I received a book - 642 Things to Write About and that made me think. I don't write enough. And so this blog was born. I realize I am behind, but somewhere I will make up the extra 5 days.
Today's writing prompt - WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN A SECOND
In just one second you can fall in love. This second may come hours, days, months or even years after you have met the person. But the moment comes when you are hit in one single second by the clear knowledge that YOU ARE IN FACT IN LOVE.
Come on you know it does happen. Think about mothers and their babies - ONE SECOND is more than enough to fall in love.
Now, sometimes I forget this can happen, but recently I have realized it is true, even for poor emotionally unavailable me. And I have to work on this and live in the single second of emotion. For me, sometimes, the second is all I get. Better enjoy it.
And in that one beautiful second there is true love and true giddiness and true happiness and if I forget about all those magical seconds I will become a sad human being. Oh, wait, that actually happened/happens. TO ME.
Right now I am pretty sure I am in love with someone. He has no idea and honestly I am okay with that - for now - because I want to enjoy it and then share it, just in case he doesn't feel the same way. And the one thing I want to hold onto is, it only took a second and then it happened. And if it happened to me, maybe it has or can happen to him. Maybe, he just hasn't had that second yet.
I have decided it is fine for me to just sit back in the revelation I still can feel this way and that I am worthy of loving someone and having someone love me. This may not seem like enough to the rest of the world, but for me it is a huge step toward just letting myself feel however I am going to feel. You know the little feelings, the big feeling and the overwhelming feelings. In the past year I have primarily felt sadness, and with good reason, but I have not and will not let the sadness take over my life completely. Honestly, life is a journey and should be a journey with emotions all along the way.
So here it is. My second. The second when I looked at him, heard his voice, his laugh and realized - Wow, I could really love this person. It feels scary and awesome.
Today's writing prompt - WHAT CAN HAPPEN IN A SECOND
In just one second you can fall in love. This second may come hours, days, months or even years after you have met the person. But the moment comes when you are hit in one single second by the clear knowledge that YOU ARE IN FACT IN LOVE.
Come on you know it does happen. Think about mothers and their babies - ONE SECOND is more than enough to fall in love.
Now, sometimes I forget this can happen, but recently I have realized it is true, even for poor emotionally unavailable me. And I have to work on this and live in the single second of emotion. For me, sometimes, the second is all I get. Better enjoy it.
And in that one beautiful second there is true love and true giddiness and true happiness and if I forget about all those magical seconds I will become a sad human being. Oh, wait, that actually happened/happens. TO ME.
Right now I am pretty sure I am in love with someone. He has no idea and honestly I am okay with that - for now - because I want to enjoy it and then share it, just in case he doesn't feel the same way. And the one thing I want to hold onto is, it only took a second and then it happened. And if it happened to me, maybe it has or can happen to him. Maybe, he just hasn't had that second yet.
I have decided it is fine for me to just sit back in the revelation I still can feel this way and that I am worthy of loving someone and having someone love me. This may not seem like enough to the rest of the world, but for me it is a huge step toward just letting myself feel however I am going to feel. You know the little feelings, the big feeling and the overwhelming feelings. In the past year I have primarily felt sadness, and with good reason, but I have not and will not let the sadness take over my life completely. Honestly, life is a journey and should be a journey with emotions all along the way.
So here it is. My second. The second when I looked at him, heard his voice, his laugh and realized - Wow, I could really love this person. It feels scary and awesome.
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